Many men are happy to entertain a few ladies’ sex toys in the bedroom, but some can get the heebie-jeebies. They might feel awkward, threatened or nervous about them. Maybe they don’t know what to do with them.
Yet we know that many women who use sex toys report better levels of satisfaction with their sex lives. Women who are open to playing with sex toys tend to be curious about their bodies and have a high level of awareness about what feels good. They’re also sexually confident enough to seek out satisfaction and this can translate to better sex with a partner.
So what do you do if you and your man don’t see eye to eye about your penchant for toys?
It’s widely known that many women can’t reach orgasm through penetrative sex alone. The level of clitoral stimulation that some women require just can’t be achieved through penetrative sex. Coupled with the challenges of modern life – finding it hard to meet partners in large cities, focusing on jobs or travel before getting into relationships, or having to travel for work – all mean that many women use sex toys to achieve the satisfaction and health benefits of regular climax.
By the time that special someone does come along, many of us are too attached to our favourite toys to stop playing with them. And, the truth is, toys are often more effective than sex for climax because you can direct the stimulation exactly where you need it to be. This just isn’t always possible with a human body. It’s nobody’s fault, it’s just the way we’re put together.
However telling your new (or old!) man that they just can’t hit the spot and you need some help from a toy, might not be the best way to go about introducing your favourite buzzy friend to your lovemaking. Remember that some men might feel that a toy is a substitute or replacement for them and this can damage their confidence. We’ve listed some gentle ways to introduce toys toy our relationship below.
Get a toy that’s not a ‘penis replacement’
Before you even raise the subject, if your favourite toy happens to be a thickly veined 8-inch realistic looking dildo, you might want to tone things down a bit for your lovers’ sake. How about starting with a nondescript vibrator that’s brightly coloured and looks nothing like his manhood? Or alternative toys that aren’t directly designed for penetration? Some good options are:
- A powerful bullet – designed specifically to be small, discreet and perfect for clitoral stimulation. There are a number of toys (like cock rings) that incorporate bullet vibrators that you can both enjoy or stand-alone bullets (like those from the Rocks Off range) that your man can tease you with so that he doesn’t feel left out of the action. They’re a great addition to oral sex to give his tongue a break!
- A chic modern wand vibrator – there are many ‘wand’ style vibrators on the market, and many of them look nothing like a penis replacement. These kinds of vibes can be used anywhere on the body and can be quite beautiful. Something that looks like it maybe came out of your makeup bag is going to be much less intimidating than whipping out a thrusting Rabbit vibrator!
- A mini rabbit or clitoral vibrator – these little toys are often in cute shapes and colours, being as they are, a ladies accessory. They generally have little ‘ears’ that can be used to set aside the clitoris for gentler stimulation, or can be directed right onto the clitoris for a more direct experience. Small and easy to hold, these are another great option for your man to use during oral sex or in the palm of his hand during foreplay.
- A non-vibrating toy – introducing some furry cuffs and a blindfold will let your man know that you’re up for making your sexy time playful, and once he understands this (and hopefully likes it!), it’s easier to suggest that maybe you introduce some more buzzy toys.
Introduce the subject before you enter the bedroom
Subtlety is key when bringing up your penchant for sex toys. You could strategically play that old episode of SATC where they all lose their minds over Rabbit vibrators, or drag him through the 50 Shades of Grey movie and use the opportunity to strike up an innocent conversation …. “So have you ever used a sex toy? Would you like to?…. etc” You get the idea! If he’s not so sure whether he’d like it, here are some things you might be able to help him understand:
- It’s normal to play with toys. Up to 40% of women have tried a sex toy.
- Playing with a toy doesn’t mean that he isn’t adequate – it’s just another fun way to explore each other
- Have a browse together – if he hasn’t thought about sex toys before, the chances are he doesn’t really understand the bewildering variety of toys that are out there nowadays. He might be much more open to giving them a go if you choose a toy together.
Let him take control
Most men want to feel that they please their lover. So your man might feel a bit ousted if you leave him to sit back and watch you pleasure yourself (unless of course, he finds it incredibly, incredibly hot in which case, win-win!). There are a few ways you can let him take the driving seat when it comes to how and when your toys will be used:
- let him blindfold you and choose how and when to use your chosen toy/s
- leave the toy within arms to reach, but let him decide if and when to pick it up to use it (he might not, but that’s okay, you’re still one step closer)
- ask him if he wants you to see you use it on yourself, and if he says no then move on – there will always be another opportunity!